Ask Logan
by nonameface58
Summary: Logan the help guru. This is what happens when you ask Logan for guidance. One-shot for now. Inspired by the 'Ask Logan' column in the Neptune Navigator. Feedback is welcome! Rating may vary each chapter. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Logan, _

_My brother is being held in solitary confinement at the State Prison. I know it's a long shot but I'm planning to break him out. With your experience of prisons, I was hoping you could give me a few pointers maybe._

_Familial Duty Man_

Dear Familial Duty Man,

I think you have your facts mixed up. My prison experience does not extend to solitary confinement. And anyway your question seems more appropriate for Michael Scofield. Still, take care that you carry out your plan in the middle of the night, because the middle of the day is just stupid. Also I'm guessing you don't have any inside connections with the prison architect as well as no time to tattoo your body with the prison blueprints, so my suggestion would be to get yourself thrown in with your brother and then dig a hole. Maybe you'll find your way to China. Are you sure you want to do this though? Is your life so unimportant that you are willing to give it away for your brother who very conveniently got caught leaving you in this mess? Always trust your family to make life difficult than it already is.

Btw if you catch a glimpse of Mercer and Moe, give them a Mcfisty treat.

Good luck man!

Logan

_Dear Logan, _

_I like totally hate my brother. He is such a hypocrite. All night he's out partying with his skanky friends while I'm stuck at home, tending to my Dad and his... friend. She's like so cool. But when it's my time to get jiggy with the guys, my brother is like so jealous. He won't let me go. Total hypocrite right? And then my dad's friend keeps me company, but I think my dad has some issues with it. I'm like so confused. I have no one to talk to because well my best friend is always more friendly with my dad than me. I mean like what's up with that? Totally not cool right? And then I watch Oprah, but she doesn't seem to answer my questions. I'm like so stumped. Help me out please. _

_Like Totally Stumped_

Dear Like Totally Stumped,

I'm sorry but Oprah is not the answer. Neither is Doctor Phil nor Logan Echolls. What you need is to go see Jerry Springer and have it out.

I wish you luck

Logan

_Dear Logan, _

_!%^ #~$ &** ***( )))(_ ?% ^*! ?()_ U(U )O_) ^)!)(_

_Mars to Earth_

Dear Readers,

There has been an invasion. RUN!

Logan

_Dear Logan, _

_The radio show guy is pretty cool. He keeps on dedicating songs to this girl whom no one dedicates songs to. And then he talks about all this awesome stuff which encompasses not only the campus goings but everything around the world. The 10 o'clock show is a must of his. Plus he has a great voice. I love listening to him. I'm such a big fan. If only I knew where his dorm room was. I'd be happy to write him a fan letter. _

_Radio Guy Fan_

Dear Piz,

That has to be the lamest publicity stunt anyone pulled out of his ass. EVER. I think what you need is to travel to Narcissistan and be attacked by Killer Zombie Unicorns. Happy Ending

Logan


	2. Chapter 2

**Ask Logan**

_**Dear Logan,**_

_Why does it always rain on my parade?_

_**~ GoldStarDiva**_

**Dear GoldStarDiva,**

I don't know. Why _does _it rain on your parade? Maybe it is because you are such an attention seeker that the rain decides to grace your event in case no one is paying attention otherwise? Collusive natural elements – there's great potential in that direction. Here's some advice: for your next 'parade' decide on an ensemble that shows more spunk and less skin (or not, both work fine for me – the former more than the latter). There's an ancient Aztec myth that relates how females had to cover their bodies through parade in case their body electrons attracted cloud protons which would lead to a chemical reaction of sorts – if you know what I mean – and result in heavy downpour whereby the females would be drenched to their core. So in case you want nothing to do with hypothermia in this cold weather, I suggest you suit up!

_Curious mythical footnote:_ The Aztec myth actually goes this way: Beautiful females were a source of attraction to cloud gods who were too tired of impregnating the easy prey – muses on seventh heaven – and found earthly humans to be a delicious task. GoldStarDiva, are you delicious?

**Logan**

_**Dear Logan,**_

_I have girlfriend trouble and I was hoping you could help me understand what's going on. My girlfriend has a cat named Lucy who is pure EVIL. I just know it. That sadistic bitch clawed me till I got a punctured ear lobe and then went meowing to my girlfriend as if I had clawed it or something. Now here is where I'm confused. My girlfriend threw me out of our shared apartment saying I 'cheated' on her with her cat. What the bloody fuck is that supposed to mean? _

_**~ Alleged Cat Lover**_

**Dear Alleged Cat Lover,**

Oh man, you poor sap you just fell victim to your devious girlfriend's manipulation. My best guess? Your so-called better half is a, how do I say this… cat lover herself. Don't be alarmed, every seventh hot girl in the US of A has some funny business going on and my sources tell me, some good pussy loving is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact it ranks third to those pointy hat garden elves and tree barks. Truth be told, you might want to crawl back on your knees to your girl and hope she lets you in her private times with her pussy. What's hotter than that?

If not, you need to move on already, man. There are plenty more fish to fry.

**Logan**

_**Dear Logan,**_

_Will you vote in the next Presidential Elections? Who will you vote for? I'll vote whoever you vote for! My passion for this country of ours knows no bounds and I cannot wait for the voting to commence. In your reply, please do let me know when the voting actually begins, we can be voting buddies!_

_**~ Voteriotic**_

**Dear Voteriotic,**

Why the bloody hell would I vote in the next Presidential elections? Have you learnt nothing reading my column? While intellectually challenged people like you are sorting yourself in queues trying to make the world a better place yada yada, I'll be out in my Xtera stealing lollipops from babies in prams and shunning the homeless – or at least that's what the local media would have you believe.

I salute your patriotism but I'll pass on this heartfelt moment of becoming voting buddies with you. Thank you for the thought. Now go to the nearest bar, order yourself the priciest champagne, drink it to your good health and then smash the bottle against your head.

Good night and good luck

**Logan**

**A/N: I know this was long overdue, but I've been busy with a lot of stuff. Hope you like this update. Let me know if I should continue it further. As always, feedback is welcome! In fact since this is an Ask Logan section, you are welcome to suggest anything you'd want Logan to ask for you. Leave a note for Logan in the Review section and he'll get back to you in the next update! :D**

**Also, the Aztec myth is made up, as well as everything else in the Logan universe. Points for those of you who can name the GoldStarDiva. **

**Cheers!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Logan,**

I have been having strange dreams for a couple of weeks and I'm freaking out. Can you help me make sense of my dreams? My mum is on her second honeymoon with her third husband and my dad is awol (as usual) – it's not like I have any other choice. The bastard had my room painted a baby blue, I asked for cerulean blue! To be honest, the only reason I'm writing to you is because you featured in one of my dreams. So I took it as a sign and tried contacting you, but you wouldn't attend your phone.

**~ Trixie**

**Dear Trixie, **

Thank you for the explicit details that you provided. I'm pretty sure given such inappropriate tidbits of information I can help crack these Morse coded dreams of yours. Why don't you just sit back and let me do the job. Let's set up a date, in fact. You could dream, and I could watch you dream. This way, when you appear more retarded than you already are, I'll know for sure it's a nightmare. If there is no change in facial expression, perhaps you've drifted in to limbo. And thank the big guy up above for that.

As for my appearing in your dreams, can you double check? Maybe, dream me up a second time? Because lately I've been featuring in a rather pesky blonde's dreams. And she tires me out by the time she drifts back to what you people call the real world. So you might want to be a bit more specific the next time you write to me.

**Logan**

**#######**

**Dear Logan,**

ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?

**~ LoganLuva4eva**

**Dear LoganLuva4eva,**

The columnist is currently indisposed. Thank you for your letter.

**#######**

**Dear Logan,**

My boyfriend and I will be spending Christmas together this year. It's our first Christmas together and I want it to be perfect. Since you're a guy, are there any tips you'd like to share with me in making sure I keep my boyfriend happy?

**~ Only Girl**

**Dear Only Girl,**

I'm glad you wrote to me. It's not like I have a background of abuse and criminal charges to not dispense advice, right. I mean, my very demeanour exudes the cheerfulness that encapsulates the spirit of Christmas. I'm not at all grinning like a maniac when writing this. Draw your seat closer and listen to the wise one.

Make sure your lingerie collection is up to date and can put the Victoria's Secret models to shame (Since _you're_ a girl, I'd like to ask you: _what_ is Victoria's secret anyway?). It's the holiday season and you'd want to make sure your man is kept warm. In all the right places. So, don't hesitate to snuggle close to him whenever – he'll appreciate it.

You might want to steer clear of topics such as these: jealous exes, how cute babies are, boring families, spirituality, dwindling bank accounts, morality, NYPD, crazy fathers, Hollywood, cars gone missing in the middle of the night, and Condoleezza Rice. Don't be horrified, you're welcome to edit the list as you please.

Lastly, take your camcorder with you, you naughty kids.

**Logan**

**#######**

**Dear Logan,**

Can you suggest me a good book to read? What are you reading nowadays?

**~ Book Worm**

**Dear Book Worm,**

What a totally unexpected question. Of course I can suggest you a good book to read, but first I'd like to ask you this: What the fuck gave you the idea I read?

Was it Veronica?

Oh shit, Veronica, is this you?

Identity issues aside, I'll answer your query in the minimal words possible. These days I'm immersed in three books at the same time – lateral reading, you know. So whereas the critical genius of '_How to Not Let Go of Your Trust Fund_' allows me to glean important information in stepping out in to this world as a more prepared man, Mark Zuckerberg's memoir leaves me confused as to how a marginally tolerant piece of shit can get away with disclosing secrets - that too of the common people.

But the third book which I'm reading and which I'd suggest you to get yourself a copy of from your nearest library (in the invisible books section) is _Blank – a Color Illustration_ (also known as, "_How to not be a Borderline Pighead_").

Mail me a picture when you get your hands on a copy.

**Logan **

**#######**

**Here's a quick update for everyone who has reviewed so far. Thank you for your comments! And yes, theGoldStarDiva is Rachel Berry :) ****How did you like this chapter? Do R&R! And if there are any questions you'd like to ask Logan, leave him a note! ;)**


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